I think the strangest thing that could happen is that he could be different from every other boy I’ve ever liked. That would be bizarre, that would be mind blowing, that would be gratifying, and I’m not quite sure I’d even know where to go from there.
Here is a space where I can be honest so I guess I will go ahead and say it
I consistently end up talking to the same exact characters: but we’ll start with Issac to Joey to Ivan to Diego to Nick.
I don’t want Sam in that cycle of characters, I’d really like a bit more this time. Then people who I use and who use me.
I’d really like a relationship, a nice easy relationship. I’d really like someone to make me laugh and have great sex with. I’m tired of the characters of the charades, of the phoniness, I just want to be loved.
Do you know how dangerous that is? Suppose I were to meet someone and we get along great and I fall “in love” with them just because I was hung up on the idea but not on the actual person.
This is where my mind usually goes to but right now I feel it’s time for a change.
Right now I feel like…Who cares if I am interested in dating someone if I like the idea of laying in bed and watching a movie, of intertwining my fingers with someone else, of having girly romantic thoughts that make me want to upchuck my own lunch. Why is it bad that I am interested in meeting someone? Should I only pursue people when I am absolutely uninterested in actually finding someone? And why have I convinced myself that being interested in someone or finding someone is such a bad thing? It’s not the most shameful thing in the world and the sooner I learn to accept that the better I will be able to treat the people who I am interested in or whom are interested in me. Because being sentiment-phobic can drive people out of your life when you aren’t able to express or reciprocate certain thoughts and feelings. It’s not even that I don’t feel them it’s that I am actively burying them in some twisted attempt to stay in control of myself. Because you can’t get broken when you are in control, and girls who fall in love- while admired from afar- are making themselves vulnerable and that is weak.
So how do I overturn these negative thoughts? I don’t know I’m just laying in my bed at 3 am writing a text post as a sort of Declaration of Recognizing, the existence of such ways of thinking, feelings, and thoughts.
So I’m smitten with the idea of being smitten with someone and I hope that leads me to someone nice. ……
My mind is like a battle ground where my self-deprecating thoughts and self-empowering thoughts are meeting. The self-deprecating thoughts seem to lack logic, but the self-empowering thoughts seem to take some leaps and stretches.
The basis of the problem is that I find myself utterly uninteresting and greatly unsuited for the social realm. This may or may not be true but the fact that I believe it makes it true. By that I don’t mean it’s true because I say that it is but rather because I believe it I will convince myself is thus making it impossible to communicate with social grace. It is much like the pregnancy phenomenon where women who aren’t pregnant so truly believe that they are that they begin to lactate and experience symptoms of pregnancy. So my main goal now is to get out of the mind set that I am inept socially I’ve got to have a little bit more confidence about my own abilities. If that confidence takes a while to build up well I bloody well better get good at faking it.
Taking the time to think is always so much easier over the summer I have so much time and not to many responsibilities. I need to figure out a way to make this work throughout the school year as well maybe like 30 minute journal entry followed by 30 minutes of meditation? It’s very important to get these thoughts out of you and I am way more rational when I am writing as opposed to trying to process all these thoughts in my head. It can be overwhelming. I feel better already.
I have to write about this I have to write about this I can not not write about this. I can no longer not speak about this I need to get this out of my mind out of my head. Out of my space . I need to say this and I am hoping that here of all places will be a safe place to say this.
The first time I ever broke up with my ex boyfriend:
We were laying in bed, I really didn’t want to have sex. He always wanted to have sex after the first time that we had done it and I wanted to lay there with him like we use to I wanted him the way we use to be before I wanted to lay in bed and cuddle and not have him make advances on me and I let him know that “of course”, he said “If you just want to cuddle I am fine with that as long as I am with you.” Not to long into laying in bed I could feel his brisk hands sliding again, not long after he asked me if I wanted to have sex. “Go for it you’re just going to do it anyways”, I said. And he did. So disconnected was he from the sex, so lacking in the intimacy that he did not even notice that I had begun to cry not a few tears but really crying. He finished and I turned away from him as he lay back down in bed. He tried to touch me and I scooted away “what’s wrong?”, he asked repeatedly so oblivious to everything that had just taken place. I laid there for 45 minutes until finally I bolted from the bed dressing as fast as I possibly could as he freaked finally I said it “you didn’t even notice! I was crying the whole time and you didn’t even notice” “I asked you what was wrong”, he said. It wasn’t until I explained to him when I was crying did he understand, collapsing onto the bed in his usual dramatic manner. “I’m so sorry”, he said “I’m a terrible boyfriend god I can’t believe I did that” it continued on as so with him muttering hateful stuff to himself. Finally I finished packing back up my stuff and attempted to leave he grabbed my bag and so the story continues eventually my arm physically restraining me and telling me that I wasn’t going anywhere his grip was so tight and I was sure a bruise would form. I screamed at him to let go, and told him that he was hurting me when he did I burst from his upperclassmen dorm and beginning the route to mine hoping I could make it far enough before he caught up to me.
The next day I went to a friends house it was Spring Break week and much of the campus was deserted. It was there that I told her that we had broken up although I had been disinclined to share with her and her boyfriend why. She was the first of many people to tell me that I was at fault without even knowing the reasoning behind the breakup.
“You are probably just being a bitch”, she said.
“I bet he didn’t even do anything wrong and its all just you”, she said.
“You’re so mean to him, he is the perfect boyfriend”
“Why are you being such a bitch to him?”
– This is where I’m ending the story- I’ve gotten the part that I needed to get out of me and now I’m falling asleep in my hands it’s 2 am here and it’s been a long day. I’m so sorry to be such a crooked blogger but I must get some sleep. I will correct and edit tomorrow.
The problem with my eating disorder is that it doesn’t stem from negative body issues with myself necessarily. You see I’m a “controller” meaning I use my eating to have a sense of control in my life then as my dieting begins the negative body views will follow acting as almost an enabler.
So right now with my life somewhat out of control especially my love life and me repeatedly opening and closing the fridge and freezer without taking anything out -Despite the fact that the only thing I’ve had to eat today were 2 bananas and quesadillas- I know that whether I want to or not I need to put something on for me to eat.
Because I can literally just think I’m not hungry one week and next thing I know I’m in the thick of bad eating habits. Like this break for example when visiting my dad in Washington I went from not that hungry to only eating two small microwaveable burritos a day and that’s all I ate for the entire month except for the occasional small fry.