I think the strangest thing that could happen

I think the strangest thing that could happen is that he could be different from every other boy I’ve ever liked. That would be bizarre, that would be mind blowing, that would be gratifying, and I’m not quite sure I’d even know where to go from there. 

Here is a space where I can be honest so I guess I will go ahead and say it

I consistently end up talking to the same exact characters: but we’ll start with Issac to Joey to Ivan to Diego to Nick. 

I don’t want Sam in that cycle of characters, I’d really like a bit more this time. Then people who I use and who use me. 

I’d really like a relationship, a nice easy relationship. I’d really like someone to make me laugh and have great sex with. I’m tired of the characters of the charades, of the phoniness, I just want to be loved. 

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I’m smitten with the idea of being smitten with someone…

Do you know how dangerous that is? Suppose I were to meet someone and we get along great and I fall “in love” with them just because I was hung up on the idea but not on the actual person.

This is where my mind usually goes to but right now I feel it’s time for a change. 

Right now I feel like…Who cares if I am interested in dating someone if I like the idea of laying in bed and watching a movie, of intertwining my fingers with someone else, of having girly romantic thoughts that make me want to upchuck my own lunch. Why is it bad that I am interested in meeting someone? Should I only pursue people when I am absolutely uninterested in actually finding someone? And why have I convinced myself that being interested in someone or finding someone is such a bad thing? It’s not the most shameful thing in the world and the sooner I learn to accept that the better I will be able to treat the people who I am interested in or whom are interested in me. Because being sentiment-phobic can drive people out of your life when you aren’t able to express or reciprocate certain thoughts and feelings. It’s not even that I don’t feel them it’s that I am actively burying them in some twisted attempt to stay in control of myself. Because you can’t get broken when you are in control, and girls who fall in love- while admired from afar- are making themselves vulnerable and that is weak. 

So how do I overturn these negative thoughts? I don’t know I’m just laying in my bed at 3 am writing a text post as a sort of Declaration of Recognizing, the existence of such ways of thinking, feelings, and thoughts. 

So I’m smitten with the idea of being smitten with someone and I hope that leads me to someone nice. ……

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I know I know it’s been a while

My mind is like a battle ground where my self-deprecating thoughts and self-empowering thoughts are meeting. The self-deprecating thoughts seem to lack logic, but the self-empowering thoughts seem to take some leaps and stretches. 

The basis of the problem is that I find myself utterly uninteresting and greatly unsuited for the social realm. This may or may not be true but the fact that I believe it makes it true. By that I don’t mean it’s true because I say that it is but rather because I believe it I will convince myself is thus making it impossible to communicate with social grace. It is much like the pregnancy phenomenon where women who aren’t pregnant so truly believe that they are that they begin to lactate and experience symptoms of pregnancy. So my main goal now is to get out of the mind set that I am inept socially I’ve got to have a little bit more confidence about my own abilities. If that confidence takes a while to build up well I bloody well better get good at faking it. 

Taking the time to think is always so much easier over the summer I have so much time and not to many responsibilities. I need to figure out a way to make this work throughout the school year as well maybe like 30 minute journal entry followed by 30 minutes of meditation? It’s very important to get these thoughts out of you and I am way more rational when I am writing as opposed to trying to process all these thoughts in my head. It can be overwhelming. I feel better already. 

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I have to write about this I have to write about this I can not not write about this. I can no longer not speak about this I need to get this out of my mind out of my head. Out of my space . I need to say this and I am hoping that here of all places will be a safe place to say this. 

The first time I ever broke up with my ex boyfriend:

We were laying in bed, I really didn’t want to have sex. He always wanted to have sex after the first time that we had done it and I wanted to lay there with him like we use to I wanted him the way we use to be before I wanted to lay in bed and cuddle and not have him make advances on me and I let him know that “of course”, he said “If you just want to cuddle I am fine with that as long as I am with you.” Not to long into laying in bed I could feel his brisk hands sliding again, not long after he asked me if I wanted to have sex. “Go for it you’re just going to do it anyways”, I said. And he did. So disconnected was he from the sex, so lacking in the intimacy that he did not even notice that I had begun to cry not a few tears but really crying. He finished and I turned away from him as he lay back down in bed. He tried to touch me and I scooted away “what’s wrong?”, he asked repeatedly so oblivious to everything that had just taken place. I laid there for 45 minutes until finally I bolted from the bed dressing as fast as I possibly could as he freaked finally I said it “you didn’t even notice! I was crying the whole time and you didn’t even notice” “I asked you what was wrong”, he said. It wasn’t until I explained to him when I was crying did he understand, collapsing onto the bed in his usual dramatic manner. “I’m so sorry”, he said “I’m a terrible boyfriend god I can’t believe I did that”  it continued on as so with him muttering hateful stuff to himself. Finally I finished packing back up my stuff and attempted to leave he grabbed my bag and so the story continues eventually my arm physically restraining me and telling me that I wasn’t going anywhere his grip was so tight and I was sure a bruise would form. I screamed at him to let go, and told him that he was hurting me when he did I burst from his upperclassmen dorm and beginning the route to mine hoping I could make it far enough before he caught up to me.

The next day I went to a friends house it was Spring Break week and much of the campus was deserted. It was there that I told her that we had broken up although I had been disinclined to share with her and her boyfriend why. She was the first of many people to tell me that I was at fault without  even knowing the reasoning behind the breakup.

“You are probably just being a bitch”, she said.

“I bet he didn’t even do anything wrong and its all just you”, she said.

“You’re so mean to him, he is the perfect boyfriend”

“Why are you being such a bitch to him?”

– This is where I’m ending the story- I’ve gotten the part that I needed to get out of me and now I’m falling asleep in my hands it’s 2 am here and it’s been a long day. I’m so sorry to be such a crooked blogger but I must get some sleep. I will correct and edit tomorrow.

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My fickle peace in being

The peace that once settled in my soul, has been disturbed..displaced. My mind is flooded with the doubts and anxieties of the world. Their burden has become my burden.

I had the most extreme sense of dread on campus today when I drew near any sort of crowd or conglomeration of people I often forgot to breathe. By the time I had passed them I would find myself sweating and out breathe. I forgot what to do with body it felt almost as burden, my eyes scanned anxiously for an escape. I had to remind myself the most basic of things we are just humans, we are just humans completing many pointless task which we created but could live without. Nothing of material matters and merit is a form of our imagination. Every person I pass I am equal to in the most basic of ways. It sounds silly to anyone who doesn’t understand but it helped. I consider sometimes taking the easier path with my anxiety disorder- with the medication my doctor recommended but I refused. Like today when faced with people I found myself unable to function, when my being was filled with a sense of dread. How my face must of screamed with the fear that I was  struggling to containing on the inside.

The peace in me has been disturbed. In an attempt to free myself I have actually become trapped and entangled in the bullshit of the world. I need to meditate more and spend more time in nature. I need to think less of men and women, and regain my center.

Today wasn’t a bad day though, I came back from the first half beaten sure but I took a nap and rested my troubled soul for an hour. I woke up and dove back into the day with bountifulness energy and a craving for knowledge. I came back from class and devoured my assigned text with an eager heart and a hungry mind, my eyes took in the information nourishing my being.

In any case my soul is still heavy and I still find myself unable to smile. There is a heaviness that sits inside my body like a weight pressed upon it. I shall search out my fleeting happiness again and again, every time it escapes me. I will find it again when I find the answers to my questions when I regain my way I shall lift this heaviness off and be free once more. For now I must turn off my device and rest my eyes. I hope that my thoughts do not pester me so much tonight.

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The problem with my eating disorder is that it doesn’t stem from negative body issues with myself necessarily. You see I’m a “controller” meaning I use my eating to have a sense of control in my life then as my dieting begins the negative body views will follow acting as almost an enabler.

So right now with my life somewhat out of control especially my love life and me repeatedly opening and closing the fridge and freezer without taking anything out -Despite the fact that the only thing I’ve had to eat today were 2 bananas and quesadillas- I know that whether I want to or not I need to put something on for me to eat.

Because I can literally just think I’m not hungry one week and next thing I know I’m in the thick of bad eating habits. Like this break for example when visiting my dad in Washington I went from not that hungry to only eating two small microwaveable burritos a day and that’s all I ate for the entire month except for the occasional small fry.

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Budding buddy?

I skyped with buddy this morning from sometime after three until the middle of 7am. Hours of communication that I would not recommend for anyone.

It was his idea surprisingly, since only last month he had seemed virtually uninterested in communicating with me by any form other than text. “I don’t like to skype.” He said, “It’s too much work.” At that time I begun to write him off the desire to only communicate through text to me meant that someone was simply not that interested. When you like someone you want to see their face, hear their voice; you put in a little bit more effort.

At one point during the time buddy offended me when trying to explain what terrible thoughts he had about me it turned out to be that the terrible thought was that he was finding himself taken by me; my smile, my skin, and my cheery nature he used as examples. I asked him if the problem was that the thoughts were not platonic and “friendshippy”  he concurred and I apologized that it upset him so much though really I felt as though I had been given a slap to the face. The idea that the idea of liking me actually caused him grief was in no way a boost to my confidence. How horrid I pondered must one be that someone actually becomes upset at the idea of being interested in you?

The conversation took a downturn shortly after as my smile diminished and with my smile so went the entire mood of the conversation. Feeling myself growing agitated I ended the call shortly after though it resumed again within a minute.

I left the conversation mentally many times my stare vacant my hand clutching and stroking one of my two moon necklaces as I pondered the ins and outs of my friendship with Diego and considered ways to ones again smother my affections towards him. He watched me from the screen during my periods of thought often asking what was on my mind.

Finally I told him though it took a while to get past my tendency to be vague saying things such as “Thinking of people” What about people “Resolving issues with a person” am I that person? etc. until finally I said, “It’s very unfortunate that you are interesting and good looking it’s really a problem actually sometimes have to reset myself back to friend mindset.” He actually told me he knew exactly what I was talking about and how he imagined himself in holiday mode with me and how peaceful, relaxed, and comfortable it seemed. He told me it was unfortunate that sometimes we have to go back to friend mode.

It was then that I realized he meant no more harm by his earlier comments than I had meant the previous day when I told him  I was not interested in him.

From then on the talk was light he spoke of his grand plan to come and visit me. I allowed him to though I tend not to put too much stock in the word of a man when his frequency to action has been rather meager. Twice so far he has made such claims each time however he bails after the time in which he should have already arrived. This of course was before his new attitude towards me which matured after I sort of cut him off from being a friend due to his frequent urge to be an asshole to me.

So I don’t know maybe he’s cleaned up his act a bit, all the same I’m not betting on him one way or another. Either he comes through or he doesn’t and that is that.

We spent the rest of the night cuddling up to our computers laying in bed waiting for the other person to fall asleep first. We didn’t talk very much partially because it was a lot of effort to type as neither of us could really speak but mostly because we were comfortable in the silence simply enjoying the moment.

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