My dad has suggested that I transfer to a new dorm.

I had an anxiety attack today…. I put it off as long as I possibly could I held on with every ounce of internal strength I could spare.

I’ve never mentioned it on here before but I have anxiety disorder [that is all I will say about that].

The cause of my anxiety attack is a colossal build up of things. Life would be simpler if everyone could just shut out their feelings but we can’t… we break down we cry, we stress, we get angry, we get frustrated, we feel some of us do it a lot others us rarely ever….  here are a few things that I know even if I struggle sometimes to believe/remember them when I’m down feeling is how you know you’re alive. Things always get worse before they get better, you can’t possibly have any appreciation for the good unless you’ve had a fair taste of the bad. I get weak and I break but I’ve come such a long long wayy I use to break faster, I use to break harder, I use to want to give up, I use to doubt and question myself.

I’m not questioning myself right now yes I’m down and I’m hurting. Yes my roommates are pretending I don’t exist, and then drawing me back in (so to say) when they feel like it right before they reject me again, just so they can convince me later that it was all in my head and they don’t have a clue what I’m talking about

But I’m not insecure, I’m tired I’m of the bullshit of the games of being treated like I’m worthless when I know that I am not. I value myself this isn’t a shallow or cocky thing to say, I didn’t grow up with this value it wasn’t always here I was insecure and self-conscious I didn’t believe I was worth a shit. I’m not that person anymore I value myself, I use to be able to get as evil as these girls, get “even” but I can’t anymore I don’t know what has changed but I can’t bring out that hatred that I once had, so their time will come and I don’t want a hand in it. My conscious is clear. I will not play these wicked games but if my hand is forced well…. I can’t pretend I’m perfect, you’ll regret it, there’s always a bit of bad waiting to escape from inside of good.

 

 

I also want to make this very clear because after an evening of ignoring  me and pretending of I simply didn’t exist I mean literally it was as if I was not there at all… My roommate decided to speak to me she said “Hi _____” in a very bitchy sarcastic tone I know this tone because she use to use it on the roommate she alienated last year but anyways I didn’t reply which pissed her off and I could hear them making remarks from my room and as I shut the door. This reminded me of what parents use to tell their children “Don’t speak unless spoken to” it was to show the kids who was “superior” well how about Fuck You. If I wasn’t good enough for you to talk to me earlier don’t bother now. There is absolutely nothing in the fucking world that you have that I need or that I couldn’t get from somewhere else.